JUST JOKES

Cloudy Clothing

2008-08-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderware

good news

2008-07-26T10:20:00.001-07:00

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.

9/11 terrorist attack

2008-07-26T10:19:00.001-07:00

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great building... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's Eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

written thought

2008-07-26T08:31:00.001-07:00

Truth in Youth

2008-07-25T05:55:00.001-07:00

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and football!"

Getting Used to It

2008-07-25T05:54:00.001-07:00

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Rules To Live By -

2008-07-25T05:52:00.001-07:00

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it

rules to live by

2008-07-25T05:48:00.001-07:00

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

SMOKE RING

2008-07-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.

He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

Why Car Ads With Male Models Are NOT ok!

2008-06-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

Humorous look at what happens when you replace female models with male models in the same poses for car ads!

Escaped

2008-06-24T09:30:00.004-07:00

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer." "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith." The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

Library Complaint

2008-06-24T09:30:00.003-07:00

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Running Fast

2008-06-24T09:30:00.002-07:00

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Comforting

2008-06-24T09:30:00.001-07:00

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

Daddy's Trick

2008-06-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Eating Vegetables

2008-06-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Earring

2008-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

SOME COOL THOUGHTS!

2008-06-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

COMPANY NAMES!

2008-06-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad and Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM: Puzzled and Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee during Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash first and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE: On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees

20. PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments.

21. MASTEK : Mad and Stupid Technicians Enrooted to Kabaarkhana

22. MTNL : Mera Telephone Nahi Laga
Which one will u join??

Mathematical Miracles...

2008-06-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School.

"Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.

This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.

Sameer had an gotten an 'A' in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked,
"Sameer , how did this happen? Was it the nuns?"

"No" said Sameer. "On the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".

the buyer!

2008-05-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Birthday Message

2008-05-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."

Where Did We Come From?

2008-05-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race begin?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the humanrace was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Getting Married

2008-05-12T09:55:00.001-07:00

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

Men and Women

2008-05-12T09:53:00.001-07:00

- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Vampire Attack

2008-05-12T09:46:00.001-07:00

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

You Know You're A Mom When...

2008-05-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

* You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.

* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your child throws up and you catch it.

* Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

* You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

* You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

* Your child insists that you read "Once upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office and you do it.

* You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

* You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.

* You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

* You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

*Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

*When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

*You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

*Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

*Popsicles become a food staple.

*Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

*You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

*You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

*Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

*You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

*You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

*You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes,
putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

A Parental Nightmare...

2008-05-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for cancer so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

BRAIN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

ecellent parking lot!

2008-05-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Man Rules

2008-05-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

22: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

AN AD ALSO CAN CHANGE UR LIFE!

2008-05-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

What a excellent way to say u want ur cat to stay home!

The Perfect Husband

2008-05-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!"

The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes, I am."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They've come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?"

MAN: "Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers."

WOMAN: "OK, Honey! Now you're talking! I can't wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don't be long! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The Explanation

2008-05-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her some of the leftover roast beef from the fridge that has just been sitting there. Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, she thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'
…And here we are."

WHAT A JOB!

2008-05-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

BIRTH CONTROL!

2008-05-03T10:12:00.001-07:00

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer
method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out .

JELOUSY

2008-05-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is
having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

BAD PERSONAL AD!

2008-05-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line
dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and
he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

The Devil's Dictionary

2008-05-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce:

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

FATHER'S NAME!

2008-04-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

teacher: write down your father's name in english & show me.
student wrote: red beautiful underwear.
teacher: what nonsense? are you joking? stand up & tell me your father's name.
student: sir, Sunder lal Chadda.

SANTA IN MEDICAL EXAM!

2008-04-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favor of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise

Best joke in Britan

2008-04-25T09:53:00.001-07:00

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )

ouch!

2008-04-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

smile18.com Cartoon Jokes

Bumper Snickers

2008-04-24T09:27:00.001-07:00

- Born Free. Taxed to Death
- Don't Steal. The Government hates Competition
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
- All men are Idiots, and I married their King
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

MY OWN DICTIONARY!

2008-04-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

BEAUTY PARLOR:A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
KLEENEX:Cold Storage.
INFLATION:Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:Something other people have. You have character lines.

The Kiss

2008-04-22T09:39:00.004-07:00

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

BOB SAYS........

2008-04-22T09:39:00.003-07:00

Bob is in the army.
After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she'd slept with 2 guys since he'd left and wanted to break-up and all the pictures he had of her sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying
"I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

WATER!

2008-04-22T09:39:00.002-07:00

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.

Three Guys in Heaven

2008-04-22T09:39:00.001-07:00

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“None. I had a perfect marriage.”
“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.
“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.
“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”

Kids and Teachers

2008-04-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

RUN!

2008-04-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching Little Johnny’s efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which Little Johnny replies, “Now we run!”

cheating!

2008-04-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

smile18.com Cartoon Jokes

thought of d day!

2008-04-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

smile18.com Cartoon Jokes

dont mess with me!

2008-04-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

smile18.com Funny Animation

WORK VsPRISON

2008-04-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

Aligator shoes!

2008-04-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

dont mess with me!

2008-04-15T09:38:00.002-07:00

smile18.com Funny Animation

EXHAUSTED!

2008-04-15T09:38:00.001-07:00

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

WHO NEEDS VIAGRA!

2008-04-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is great because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife...She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice."What should I do?"he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."

JADU KI JHAPPI!

2008-04-15T09:12:00.004-07:00

Afraid that someone will stole your slippers?

2008-04-15T09:12:00.003-07:00

Afraid that someone will take away your slippers when you leave them outside the place of worship?
Follow the same method as this genius sardar

2008-04-15T09:12:00.002-07:00

If Statue of Liberty was in India

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Most Worthless New Inventions

2008-04-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to readI
nflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered waterPedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchoho
lReusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

DAMN FISH

2008-04-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

ULTIMATE DESIRE!

2008-04-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

Fundas

2008-04-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

NO EXTRA POWER!

2008-04-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

HOW CRAZY A WOMAN CAN GET?

2008-04-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

FBI JOB OPENING:
The FBI an opening for an assassin.After all the background checks,interviews and tests were done,there were three finalist;two man and a woman.
For the final test,the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that u will follow your instruction no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room u will find your wife sitting in a chair....kill her!"
The man said,"U can't b serious.I could never shoot my wife"The agent said,"Then u r not the right man for the job.Take ur wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room.All was quite for about 5mins.The man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried but i cant kill my wife.".The agent said "U dont have what it takes.Take ur wife home."
Finally it was the womens turn.She took the gun and went into the room,Shots were heard,one after another.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.After a few minutes all was quite.The door open slowly and there stood the woman,wiping the sweat from her brow."This gun was loaded with falls bullets."she said"I had to beat bit him to death with the chair".

MORAL:women are crazy dont mess with them!

THE BIRD!

2008-04-09T10:01:00.001-07:00

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautifulparrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first thatthis bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it sayssome pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room andwaited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, newmadam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,“That’s really not so bad.”
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “Newhouse, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laughabout the situation considering how and where the parrot had beenraised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi, Keith!”
ORIGINALLY FROM http://www.jokesduniya.com/

sardarji 4th child

2008-04-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Sardarji got the fourth child.He fills data in the birth certificate.
“Mother: Sikh.Father: Sikh.Kid: Chinese.”

“How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?”
” Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”

originally fromhttp://www.jokesduniya.com/

OUCH...!

2008-04-08T09:32:00.003-07:00

Snake's New Glasses

2008-04-08T09:32:00.002-07:00

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

The Wedding Test

2008-04-08T09:32:00.001-07:00

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day, her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.''
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.''
And the moral of this story is ... always keep your condoms in your car.

Marriage...Strike That, Reverse It...

2008-04-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

A conversation before marriage...
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave?
He : No! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me?
He : Of course! Over and over!
She : Have you ever cheated on me?
He : No! Why are you even asking?
She : Will you kiss me?
He : Every chance I get.
She : Will you hit me?
He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She : Can I trust you?
He : Yes.
She : Darling!
To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

domestic camouflage

2008-04-07T09:35:00.001-07:00

RIGGED GAME

2008-04-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses." Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week.

Banged Up

2008-04-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Amazing Discovery

2008-04-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

The Obedient Wife

2008-04-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, ''When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.''

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ''Wait just a moment!''

She had a small metal box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, ''Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.''

The loyal wife replied, ''Listen, I'm a Christian. I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.''

''You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?''

''I sure did,'' said the wife. ''I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.''

With pleasure.

2008-04-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U Xpect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure it’s 25,000

Talking to God

2008-03-15T09:58:00.003-07:00

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Uncle Leo

2008-03-15T09:58:00.002-07:00

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

New Diet

2008-03-15T09:58:00.001-07:00

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When Jan returns, The doctor's amazed to see a loss of nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says."Did you follow my instructions?"
Jan nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

No More

2008-03-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me.
So I told myself, "That's it!"
After today, no more reading.

Medical Remedy...

2008-03-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk!
Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

POPEYE'S MOM FOUNDED!

2008-03-12T09:12:00.003-07:00

DO YOU EVER WONDER...

2008-03-12T09:12:00.002-07:00

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Timing Is Everything

2008-03-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

BLOOD TEST

2008-03-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Two children were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

SCARY TOILET

2008-03-11T10:01:00.002-07:00

BOY!this is the scariest thing i ever saw..........

Americans Are Wacky

2008-03-11T10:01:00.001-07:00

- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.
- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.
- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Soap and Water

2008-03-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

No Eared Interview

2008-02-07T08:22:00.006-08:00

A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

CHUTKULE!

2008-02-07T08:22:00.005-08:00

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."The drunkard immediately I'll have a scotch and soda."

A Teacher lecturing on population: In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and says: we must find and stop her !!

KINDNESS OF A RICH MAN!

2008-02-07T08:22:00.004-08:00

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The Tearful Bride

2008-02-07T08:22:00.003-08:00

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

Some Amazing Signage....

2008-02-07T08:22:00.002-08:00

Sign on a railway station at Patna :-Aana free, jaana free,pakde gaye to khana free.

Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :-Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.She may be your grandmother!

Seen on a bulletin board:-Success is relativeMore the success, more the relatives.

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :-We need your heads to run our business.

A traffic slogan:-Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they neverwill be.....

"Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizationsIt's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."- Indian Armed Forces

Stupid Computer Tricks

2008-02-07T08:22:00.001-08:00

- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

WHOSE IS BIGGER?

2008-02-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

My wife reminded me of an incident that ocurred when we were newlyweds living with my parents for a couple of months until we closed on our house.
"Your mom and I were sitting in the family room when your father sudenly walked down the hall naked drying his hair with a towel. I quickly turned away and your mom started screaming at him. He just kept walking saying, 'Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here--besides, it's my damned house.'"
"So you saw everything?" I asked.
"Yeah, it was hard to miss. He walked right by."
"So, um, tell me, whose is bigger?"

FAIMILY PROBLEM

2008-02-03T08:59:00.001-08:00

Two men, one Indian and an American were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.” We call this arranged marriage.
I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.
The American said, Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems…